My girrrrrl can write. I mean, really opine and get you yelling AMEN, SISTER!
I hail to Solange, who wrote this a little while back, and I want to see it published all over the world. Here is her missive, in its entirety below. I get a good amount of traffic on this blog, and you NEED TO APPRECIATE what my byotch is saying!. -hw
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Wednesday, January 24, 2007Million-Dollar Idea #1: Sex Boot Camp for Boys
Million-dollar ideas. I’ve got tons of ‘em. Don’t we all? Don’t even try to tell me that you haven’t had a moment of, ‘I invented surf wax!’ or ‘Those coffee cup rings that keep your hand from getting burned were my idea,’ because you know you have, pal. Anyway, I periodically come up with these brilliant concepts, but because I lack even one entrepreneurial bone in my body, I happily send them out there into the universe, hoping that someone will take my idea, run with it, and make the world a better place – plus collect a tidy profit while they’re at it.
In any case, here’s today’s idea: a sexual training program (think Nookie Boot Camp) for young men. Let’s call it Miss Fahrenheit’s Academy of Carnal Arts, if you will. I’ve been saying this for a long time – that today’s up-and-coming young bucks need the type of erotic schooling formerly furnished in say, I don’t know, ancient cultures of yore or whatever (so I’ve heard). What do we do today? Where do these poor guys learn about sex? From porn. And trust me, I’ve got nothing against porn (only that I can’t afford to purchase more of it), but it’s hardly the legitimate erotic pedagogy needed to turn the budding studs of America from witless, useless sexual neophytes into the seasoned, sophisticated lovers women need and deserve. They’re not going to become the knee-shaking Casanovas of tomorrow by watching bald-coochied porn starlets go through The Routine: kiss (perhaps), grab boob, give the aforementioned bald coochie a cursory rub, smack booty, enter, in out in out, bust, high five. No, no, no, no, NO. There’s so much more to it than that, and this era of porn-trained, complacent men who think that The Routine will suffice has got to come to a swift and immediate end. Ladies, can I get an amen?
At the Academy, training begins with a course in basic anatomy (no, the clitoris is not inside the vagina, and yes, generally it needs to be touched to achieve orgasm). Upon successful completion of this introductory course, aspiring pupils will then learn the power of a caress to the back of the neck, the powder keg that is behind the knee, the joy that is the long, drawn-out tease. Young men will learn to look at the body as a holistic collection of sexual trigger points, not just a walking mannequin with a couple of hot zones. Seminars will be given on proper clitoral stimulation (most women like either a tapping motion or ‘little circles’ – learn it, love it, live it, guys; you will thank me for this; I swear) and will learn the Cardinal Rule of Female Orgasms: figure out what she likes and keep doing it – without stopping – until she gets hers; then, you can take yours, and everybody wins. Tutorials will be furnished on the light caress, the stinging slap, and the delicate art of putting the hand on the throat. Weekend intensives on a variety of topics – from depth control to hair pulling to proper smutty talk – will be offered with regularity, in the interest of attendee’s maximum benefit from the program.
And who will teach these much-needed classes? Just who will we rely upon to disseminate this sorely-lacking sexual wisdom to our young men? Why, of course – the MILFs of America. All applicants for academic positions at this particular Academy must meet the following requirements: 35 years of age or older, thirty lovers under her belt or more (including at least five eight years or more her junior), demonstrated reliability and patience, a desirable physical presentation, a clean bill of health, and a sincere interest in the carnal well-being of America’s citizenry. In fact, sign me up………………….